Happy Sunday my beauties! How are you all?
I’m so sorry I haven’t spoken to you in so long.. Things have been completely crazy since April, I have so much to tell you!
Where to start? Well.. When I was last here, I had just come off The Pill & was doing a ‘no make-up’ stand.
Fast forward to July & well that’s a whole new cattle of fish! I have been diagnosed with intolerances (dairy, gluten, caffeine, yeast & eggs) & have been trying to adapt to a completely new lifestyle. Let me tell you, it is not easy! Especially not for someone who lives for chocolate & ice cream – guilty!
After getting diagnosed, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. I had always had my suspicions but it’s when you get the final diagnosis that it hits you.
I had been getting over a – not so recent – break up (massive story for another time) & I decided to book a spontaneous 8 day trip to Paris.
I have always dreamed of going there (ever since we lived in France when I was younger), however I had never made it. So I booked up an apartment on Airbnb & my Eurostar ticket. I even treated myself to an upgrade!
Whilst I had Paris to look forward to, I was beginning to feel pretty good – so, I thought I’d give Tinder a go. I thought it’d be a laugh & I had no intention of meeting anyone. Swiping – mainly left – & the occasional right at breakfast & as soon as I was home from work. It became an obsession!
Anyway, I came across the weirdos who asked if I was basically up for having sex (which I knew happened, however came as a shock nonetheless) & spoke to a couple of nice guys but nothing came of them. That was until Ed popped up..
To be honest, I don’t even remember matching with him, but his first message made me smile ‘Hey what do you do, apart from being beautiful?’
Cheesy right? Oh come on.. You smiled.
We got talking & pretty much didn’t stop. We had so much in common ranging from what we thought about various topics to our obsession with Game of Thrones.
We’d been speaking for about 4 days when I suggested he added me on Facebook – as you do when you quite like someone – but his response was ‘I’d much rather have your number.’ Again, I smiled because this time I didn’t feel weird about giving it to him.
We spoke again that evening when he suggested about meeting up over the weekend. I felt quite a tinge of excitement as I agreed. I actually had a date!
I didn’t think I’d hear those words for a while.
So.. I’ll fast forward.. Our date was – how can I describe it? – Not the best. He was rather full on with his advances & I just felt totally turned off & down about the whole thing.
He wanted to meet a couple of days later, which I agreed to (after making him change his mind to a meal out rather than dinner at his). I don’t know whether it was my attitude about our previous date but after we parted, I didn’t feel anything.
By this point, I wasn’t bothered about us becoming an item & was happier to talk as friends.
That was until I was Tamsyn. I filled her in on the whole thing & asked her for her advice. She suggested I could give it another shot & see what happens. That you can’t always judge someone after meeting them a couple of times.
It gave me a lot to think about.
It was a few days after seeing Tamsyn that he asked if he could take me to the cinema. I obliged but this time promised myself I’d keep an open mind & stop comparing him to my ex.
I ended up having a really good evening – even came home with a smile! I had let down my judgements and opened up to possibilities.
After that, we continued to see each other on a regular basis, right up until i went on holiday mid to end of June. I felt sad knowing I was going away & leaving him. Complete & utter change to just over a month previous!
We text each other every evening & caught up on the day. He did seem rather off, saying work was getting him down – however he wouldn’t specify.
I didn’t think to question him.
After I got home, we saw each other a couple of days after. Just sat & watched a movie & had takeaway at his. It was comfortable but we were both distant from each other. It was taking me a while to physically open up to cuddling etc after our first date.
I then had to wait a whole week to see him again as he was in London. Honestly, I was completely gutted about it as I had hoped we’d be able to.
So, we saw each other the Sunday after. We had lunch & went for a movie. During this time my ex saw me & Ed together! He sent me a message… (Another story)
The couple of days leading up to seeing Ed, he had seemed distant & I shared my concerns with mum saying I thought he may be talking/seeing someone else or wasn’t feeling it.
As we left each other on the Sunday, I gave him the kiss I had promised & I had started to feel something.
Monday, back to work & reality. We barely spoke. I found this weird but I thought it was because I was more of a texted than him.
On Tuesday, I decided to send Ed a message & open myself up to him.
It went a bit like this
’I hope the trains were ok for you today..
i apologise if this sounds soppy or cringy, but being an aspiring write, soppy & cringy is what i do.. I also usually end up writing a bit better than I do talking anyway.
I just want to say I really hope we can see each other tomorrow evening. Even if we just watch a film then I’d be more than happy..
I do wish we could see each other more but I know it’s hard due to work & your exam. Maybe we’ll be able to once that’s finished?
I like you, a lot & well if that little spot, you were talking about on Sunday is still open then I think I might fit..
Have a good day & talk soon xx’
There’s me, I had put all my cards on the table. It had taken a lot of guts to do that.
He didn’t reply all day, however when I did get a reply it wasn’t what I was really expecting..
‘Hey are you at home?
I need to talk to you about something thats been on my mind for the last couple of days. I’ve been thinking about us, and I’m really sorry but I’m not sure that us being together is the right thing. You are so lovely to me & we get on really well, it’s just I don’t have those romantic feelings for you.
You’ll find someone who will make you as happy as you deserve to be, I just don’t think it’s me. I’m sorry if this has come as a bit of a shock. I would like to stay friends, but understand if you don’t want to be.’
So there we go! That was what I got back for opening my feelings & letting my guard down. Someone who told me on the first date he ‘really like me’ & wanted to kiss & cuddle, yet 6 weeks down the line didn’t have those ‘romantic feelings for me.’ Then there’s everything in between.
Anyway as you can imagine I feel slightly bitter at the moment, but at the same time I am glad.
This means I can get back to concentrating on me & finally getting that closure that I need from my ex.
So.. Here’s to the future, whatever it holds. Here’s to Paris & the new adventures I take & new friends I meet. I have now decided to stay in a 12 dorm hostel & have cancelled my apartment. Might as well do travelling right, right?
What have you been doing since April, my friends?
With love, as always